The limitless Story Chronicle 1 (Because never ending was taken)
by iamaguy
Summary: The endless story of a man who seeks out the fullest life has to offer, finding adventure, friendship, and trouble along the way.
1. And so it begins

Authors note: My name is Ronald David Stine, i am creating this piece of literature to focus my creative ideas and imagination into something others can enjoy and appreciate. What I'm going to be making is basically a giant crossover that's probably going to conflict with every plot point it comes across. I'll be using a few bits and pieces of others jokes and I appreciate people being able to point these out and encourage you all to do so. Know now that the groups and people whose jokes I'm using all inspired me to varying degrees and will be given due credit! This being said, please enjoy!

The limitless adventures/travels/wanderings/misadventures/battles/randomness of Ronnie. Chapter 1

Ronnie was rather confused by his predicament, then again a dragon's stomach isn't exactly beneficial to one's orientation, and frankly the inability to remember anything past a gaping maw wasn't helping. He decided he had more pressing matters to attend to. The dragon in question was rather regretting eating the human, as it was an impulsive decision and he wasn't even hungry. The sharp pains and unnaturally fast pace in which it was progressing through his digestive track unsettled him.

He quickly lost interest as he realized that he had other digestive needs a little farther down the line to get over with. Taking flight the dragon set off to a more private location. Upon arriving, he started to get the feeling that the human wasn't dead and sure enough after finishing there it was amongst the fecal matter looking somewhere between livid and relieved. Noticing that the human was rather young he wondered how much quick thinking getting out of him must have taken.

The youth looked up and began talking,

Ronnie: The name's Ronnie and, um, what just happened set aside, nice to meet you. By the way, could you please not do that again?

Odahviing: I am known as Odahviing, replied the dragon, and yes I will refrain from eating you.

Before Ronnie could thank him they heard a faint voice on the wind.

Odahviing: The Dragonborn summons me, I must go.

As he watched the dragon fly away, Ronnie decided to start moving until he found something. After finding a road and travelling down it for a day he decided that the whole clueless about what was going on and can't remember squat thing wasn't important at the moment and could work on it when he wasn't so hungry. The next morning he reached a village and started looking around and ended up at the mill, the owner identified the village as Riverwood.

She introduced herself as Gurder, after a polite chat she gave Ronnie a job at the sawmill. He set and began felling trees and used the river to send them back to the mill. After a few trips up and down the river, he noticed a small boulder move and soon realized that it was actually a large crab. It began to advance on him pincers raised menacingly, only to receive an axe between its eyes.

After looting the corpse and shoving it into the river, Ronnie proceeded to take stock of his pack. He had several alchemy reagents and not much else other than his axe. He then realized that said axe was still lodged in the crab's corpse and floating along downstream. Before he could retrieve it he heard scuttling coming from behind, turning around he saw a spider bigger than himself rush him and in seconds was flung into the air, landing painfully.

Knowing that a retreat was impractical he turned and faced his adversary who proceeded to pin him and promptly raised a jagged limb to finish the job. Before it killed him the spider is skewered by a scorpion's sting surprising Ronnie and killing the spider. Not waiting to face the sting's owner, Ronnie begins to head away but notices a strange feeling coming from his back. Reaching behind himself he feels a hard shell like object jutting out and soon realized it was the scorpions' tail.

Needless to say Ronnie was stuck between thinking this new development was awesome and worried about figuring out how to work the darn thing (not to mention the hole in his shirt). After some experimenting he finally achieved minor control of his new appendage, amusing himself by bringing it out and retracting it repeatedly saying "Sting goes on sting goes off". He looted the spider and set off after his axe. Finding the crab downstream, axe still faithfully lodged in the corpse, Ronnie pulls his roving tool out and returns to the sawmill, intent on keeping the spider incident, and his sting, to himself.

He then noticed that he was referring to his abnormality as sting and officially christened it so. Gurder paid Ronnie for his work and thanked him for his efficiency. Ronnie then found the inn and rented a room for the night, but before going to sleep he started experimenting with the alchemy table resulting in a healing potion and a small explosion. After fixing the workspace Ronnie proceeded to his room and promptly fell asleep.

The week proceeded with few incidents, but Ronnie still bought a sword from Alvor, the town's blacksmith. It was a simple blade, and the quality of the iron wasn't perfect but he felt good with its sheath on his belt. He opted to make a shield on his own, Alvor let him use the forge and after a bit of work, a decent shield was forged. After finishing up at the mill, he noticed a wanted poster for a bandit leader at the nearby mine.

This looks like a job for, well, whoever gets to him first! Soon after he made it to the mine. The sentry noticed him at that point.

Bandit: Halt, who are you?

Ronnie: I'm me!

This infuriated the sentry into attack. Well that conversation didn't last long Ronnie thought as he blocked her strike. She pressed him back and he realized that this was going to end badly in a straight out fight.

Ronnie: Look over there!

Looking behind her the sentry felt nothing as her head flew from her torso. Note to self, loot the body later and never fall for that trick. Advancing into the cave he discovered a pleasant lack of bandits other than the leader in a drunken stupor, he went down without any trouble due to being drunk or else he probably would have been a tough adversary. After looting everything of value Ronnie took a trophy from the corpse of the leader's corpse to prove his deed.

Ronnie: Now to find out how to get the reward from killing him!


	2. Watch your step

The limitless adventures/travels/wanderings/misadventures/battles/randomness of Ronnie. Chapter 2

Note: For those of you who weren't paying attention, Ronnie has amnesia regarding everything right before being swallowed. P.S. I do not own Skyrim.

After returning to Riverwood, Ronnie found out where to go to collect bounties. Ronnie then went to the local trader to sell the items he had found.

Ronnie: Hello Lucan, I've got a got a bit of this and that you might be interested in.

Lucan: I might be, let's see it then.

Ronnie: alright here, I found a load of eating utensils, some iron ore, this garnet, a set of hide armor and an axe.

Lucan: I'll take it.

Ronnie: Great, hey I'm going on a trip, how much for a few days' worth of food?

Lucan: You would be better off buying supplies at the inn I'm all out.

Ronnie: Thanks, bye.

Once he had purchased some supplies at the inn Ronnie quit his job at the mill and set off for Whiterun. After travelling for a few hours Ronnie encountered a pack of wolves. Hoping to avoid unnecessary entanglements Ronnie ducked behind a large rock. The wolves noticed him anyway and attacked.

Ronnie: Just my luck, oh well.

The pack leader moved in close forcing Ronnie into battle, stabbing the wolf in the chest killing him. The rest of the pack advanced, being slain one at a time. Ronne took the hides and continued on the path eventually reaching the city of Whiterun. He took the opportunity to sell the pelts to a caravan outside the city then entered Whiterun and made his way to the steward Proventus Avenicci.

Ronnie: The bandit leader in embershard mine is dead, I'm here for the bounty.

Proventus: Excellent, you've done us a great service, here is your reward.

Pocketing the gold, Ronnie began exploring the city and met a redgard by the name of Amren who agreed to give him a few combat lessons for a fee. The lessons went on long and hard for days until Amren declared Ronnie nearing competence as a swordsman and told him to find a building called Jorrvaskar. In search of something to do, Ronnie took his advice entered Jorrvaskr.

WHUMP

Ronnie: Who left this carpet standing in the….

Ronnie looked up into the eyes of the beast he had just walked into.

Ronnie: Nice teeth.

The beast (Ronnie assumed was a werewolf) growled and jumped onto the rafters. A Nord walked up to Ronnie at this point.

Vilkas: Don't mind Aela, she's grumpy today.

Ronnie: You don't say. I'm Ronnie.

Ronnie offered his hand and Vilkas shook it.

Vilkas: I am Vilkas, welcome to Jorrvaskar, are you seeking to join the compainions?

Ronnie: sure, hey are you a werewolf to?

Vilkas: I was but our harbinger cured me and my brother, as well as himself.

Ronnie: How did he do it?

Vilkas: He tossed a hagraven's head into an eternal flame for each of us and slew our wolf spirits.

Ronnie: that sounds like quite the battle.

Vilkas: You have no idea, his wolf spirit was terrifying, they battled like demons for hours, I doubt that I'll ever see a fight like that again as long as I live.

Ronnie: That statement has a loophole in it somewhere but I can't put my finger on it.

Vilkas: That loophole is called sovangarde. You seem pretty calm for someone who walked into a werewolf.

Ronnie: I've had way to much recent experience with weird stuff to be fazed by this.

Vilkas: And just what do you mean by weird?

At this Ronnie busted out his secret appendage.

Ronnie: Vilkas meet sting.

Vilkas: I'm going to pretend that didn't just happen. Alright if you really want to join then your initiation will be to get Aela down from the rafters without dying.

Ronnie: This won't end well.


	3. A hero emerges in epic fashion

The limitless adventures/travels/wanderings/misadventures/battles/randomness of Ronnie. Chapter 3

Note: Thinking is a lot harder than I remember. P.S. I'm changing the conversation style to add storytelling effect.

While waiting for Aela to turn back to normal Ronnie got a ladder to get her down from the rafters. He hoped that vilkas would mistake his cop out plan for a strategy. "This plan is rather lacking but acceptable." Vlikas admitted. "Does this mean I'm in?" Asked Ronnie. "It does, welcome to the companions now let's get to the training field, I want to test your skills out." Vilkas replied.

After Vilkas thoroughly beat the crap out of Ronnie he sent him back inside to check if Aela was still in beast form. She wasn't but that didn't really help as she had taken a nap while still stuck up in the rafters. Ronnie thought a bought it for a second then cobbled together some rope two forks and some mattresses. He combined the forks with the rope for a grappling hook and threw it up latching it onto Aela. With a mighty pull she fell from the rafters onto the mattresses still asleep. Ronnie found Vilkas training outside. Hey Vilkas, aside from you Aela and that old maid this place seems deserted.

Vilkas laughed "Enjoy it while it lasts, our Harbinger took the rest of the companions on an expedition to destroy an army of falmer massing in a dwemer ruin, he could have done it himself but he thought it would be fun to bring along some help, they should be back anytime now. Vilkas if you're not the leader how you can let me join? Vilkas smiled. "A valid point my young friend, you see were all under explicit instructions to recruit anyone that shows potential and walking into Aela in beast form without flinching is potential in my book. Ronnie was ecstatic. "Really?" That and the fact that I haven't met anyone as strange as you since the day that our leader walked into Jorvaskar. Now let's get you into shape before the others get back or else you're going to be in bad shape. "Why?" Ronnie asked puzzled. Because new members have to go through the new initiation. Vilkas Replied. I smell a training montage!

Blood, sweat, tears and sadly a little ale was spilled in preparation, Vilkas had Ronnie training until he passed out and the second he got back on his feet he started again even harder until the companions returned. During this time Aela kept Vilkas informed on how soon the arrival date of the expeditionary force was. Three days before thy got back Vilkas had Ronnie recover from the nearly sadistic training sessions. On the evening of day three Ronnie was at full strength and out for blood. VIlKAS what kind of training was that I almost died! Vilkas shrugged "our leader dos that training every morning that he spends at Jorvaskar, he came up with it." Well, Ronnie began; I think that the two of us will have words when he gets here until then goodnight.

Aela walked into Vilkas's room at this point. I just got word that "he" is riding ahead to get back early. Aela if you think I don't realize you're talking about our leader you don't understand how focused I am on decking him when he gets here, goodnight. Vilkas, do you think we should tell him that the real initiation is a fistfight with the very man he wants to have a fight with until you get knocked out and pass or give up and fail? Now Aela do you really want to ruin the surprise? They both smiled imaging the gauntlet the new blood was rushing into.

The next day had come and a tall muscular Imperial walked strode through the doors of Jorvaskar. Vilkas embraced the man heartily and was almost crushed as the man hugged back. It's good to See you again Harbinger, by the way we have a new member. Great tha…. Vilkas do you feel that killing intent in the room? "So you must be the leader." came a voice from above. They both looked up at once. "So you must be the new member time for the initiation." The imperial said this while cracking his knuckles, neck and every joint that made an awesome sound like a boss. Take this! Ronnie leapt from the rafters and threw a punch with all his strength slamming into his opponent's jaw not moving it a centimeter. Ronnie was stunned the guy's neck muscles weren't even tensed to take the impact and he was just standing there smiling. Nice enthusiasm , now let's get this started.

Vilkas and Aela watched as a fierce if rather one sided fistfight ensued. Ronnie couldn't leave a mark no matter how hard he punched, and every time he got hit it felt like his body stopped working. Ronnie lasted 40 seconds then before being K.O.

He awoke to find his former opponent sitting across the room. Did I win? Ronnie asked. No, but you didn't give up so you pass, nice to meet you by the way. Ronnie lay back in his bed. So what's your name? I would rather not call you leader all the time. I have many names and titles but it tends to get confusing so I just go by Dovahkiin, some just call me dragonborn but that sounds rather pretentious. Ronnie's eyes widened. "Wait, Dragonborn, do you by chance have a friend named Odaviing?" Dovahkiin looked startled. "Just how do that name?" Ronnie smirked. "I got to meet him recently, did he give you the tour of his stomach to?" He did, I'm surprised to meet someone else whose seen the inside of that dragon's stomach and lived to tell the tale. They began laughing and talked and drank and ate and slept away the rest of the day.

Ronnie was beginning to get used to life in the companions, the training was only torturous at this point as opposed to lethal, the other members were welcoming enough, he had gotten over Vilkas tricking him into thinking the initiation was something far less interesting than it was, and the circle would bring him along for small jobs. Dovahkiin was the best, telling stories, starting friendly brawls and generally being awesome. Hey Dovahkiin, do you think amnesia is cliché? Ronnie asked. Completely and indisputably. Replied Dovahkiin. Ronnie face palmed intriguing Dovahkiin. How far back can you remember? He asked. Only a few seconds before looking up into the gaping maw of a dragon. Ronnie answered flatly. Hmmmm, I have a remedy for memory loss! Stand still! Dovahkiin picked up a stick. What are you doing? THWACK! Do you remember anything yet? Dovahkiin prompted. Ronnie glared at him. Nothing that I didn't already know.

Dovahkiin got serious. Ronnie, if you want to get your memory back than start travelling, the world is vast and I'm sure that you would eventually find something that could help you. Another thing, I've been meaning to speak to you about your equipment, all you've got for armor is a shield and it's substandard and looks like it's going to fall apart, your sword is trustworthy but low quality. If you intend to go off adventuring you need reliable tools of the trade and I've got just the thing follow me. The two walked to a house near the gate of Whiterun. Dovahkiin conjured a key from out of nowhere. Was kind of spell was that? Asked Ronnie. Just a trick I use to get in and out of my houses. My housecarls keep keys on them though. The house was pleasant, and what Dovahkiin unearthed from a chest was a jaw dropper. It was a full body set of steel plated armor, a katana and a skyforge steel sword. Dovahkiin began speaking forestalling tedious questions. I made the armor myself and its enchanted to fully resist magic, I made the swords as well and I'm not giving you a shield because the armor can't be pierced by ranged attacks and blocking with a sword provides more options when you have two. So then any questions? Finished Dovahkiin. "Yeah you do realize I have no training with a katana right?" Ronnie pointed out. True but the best way to learn is experience so take it, now anything else? What was being a werewolf like? Ronnie asked. To tell the truth I consumed the remains of my wolf spirit got the beast blood back but in conquering it I gained unprecedented control, enhanced senses and no mental side effects. After 10 seconds Ronnie shook off the effects of the sheer epicness of the man who stood before him. Ronnie if you don't find anything that helps in your search in a full month return here, I think that you would be fun to travel with. Now suit up and get to adventuring!


	4. A new player again and again

Disclaimer: I do not own Skyrim. Some really good fanfic writers would do a funny rant about that sort of thing but I for one am perfectly content with the humble position being fine with not owning what my fanfic is based on, enjoy the story.

The limitless adventures/travels/wanderings/misadventures/battles/randomness of Ronnie. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 A new player again and again

Ronnie was at the main gate of Whiterun preparing to leave when Dovahkiin arrived. "After some deliberation I've decided to come with you", He announced.

"Got nothing better to do?" asked Ronnie.

"Plenty actually, but I fell like taking up wandering again and having a free follower is convenient," Dovahkiin answered. Now before we start I like to have a full understanding of my allies' abilities, now hold still. With this he placed his hand on Ronnie's head and concentrated. Ronnie waited a moment before starting a question. "Dovahkiin what are you- HOLY BALLS!" For a moment Ronnie started to lose his balance before steadying himself. "Dovahkiin did you just read my mind" Ronnie asked.

"Yup."

"How?!"

That is a long story involving muffins, buttons and combinations of the two. Dovahkiin refused to elaborate further and they set out without any real destination.

"So, how annoying is that entity stuck in your soul and or head?" Dovahkiin asked.

Ronnie stopped looking perplexed. "What entity?"

At this point they could both hear a voice in their heads. "**That would be me, and Ronnie here wasn't aware of me before you broached the subject, dammit I was waiting for the right opportunity before revealing myself and I don't plan on changing that so you might want to shield your mind Dragonborn.**

Dovahkiin raised his mental defenses and nodded deciding that he liked this thing's in the shadows shtick.

Ronnie on the other hand "alright we need to setup a few ground rules if we really want this to work, number one, do not-. "

"**Mind crush**!" Ronnie's memories of everything past the words muffin button ceased to be.

Dovahkiin just rolled with it. "Great Scott, I almost forgot to make you put these on."

He handed Ronnie ankle and wrist weights. Ronnie put them on." These don't weigh anything."

Instead of answering Dovahkiin cast an alteration spell on the weights putting Ronnie on the ground. "To put it simply young grasshopper, I can use an alteration spell on them to make as heavy or as light as I wish, also they will only affect you directly. If someone shoves you, it will be like the weights aren't even there."

"Do you wear any?" Ronnie asked getting up.

"I do, now from what I gleaned from your memory and my knowledge of your strength you can only deal with 25 pounds per limb but I will be raising it of my own comedic"

Before He could finish a ghost came out of nowhere and finished for him with a resounding "Timing!"

"HI I'm Nappa, and I'm a ghost. Or am I? By the way I'm in your fanfic f***ing shit up."

In perfect sync the two companions eloquently stated, "The flying Fuck?"

The ghost sped away cackling maniacally.

Dovahkiin got out a book and started turning the pages until he stopped and pulled a large chest from seemingly nowhere, opening it he took a soul gem and sent the chest back from whence it came.

" Where in Oblivion did you pull that from?" Ronnie asked.

I enchanted this book to have properties similar to that of a soul gem in order to store things with it, however instead of them being in the book the objects are in a in a little plane of oblivion I control but have their likeness appear on the pages. In simple terms I just open up a page cast a spell and out pops whatever the picture is.

"Can I make one?" Ronnie asked.

"All in good time my friend" Dovahkiin promised, "But for now I want to see how you do in a group so where going to organize a posy, as opposed to throwing one together, and how you really stack up to a real warrior so I'm taking us to Rorikstead, the home of a former pupil of mine, Now to be clear just because were travelling doesn't mean you can slack off oh my no you'll be joining me in my travel training regimen!

Ronnie face faulted when he heard this.

xXx

(The next day in the evening)

"Here we are" Dovahkiin stated happily.

"Nice place looks out of the way for a town on a main road." Ronnie remarked.

Upon entering the inn a man launched himself a Dovahkiin who merely drew his sword halfway and blocked his strike. Both men laughed happy to see one another and sheathed their swords.

Ronnie had taken note of the weapons due to their unique design and material and asked.

"What are your swords made of?"

Dovahkiin looked over at his curious ward. "Dragon bones." He answered, drawing the weapon in question with a flourish in demonstration before sheathing it.

"Ronnie, meet Erik the slayer, Erik this is my new minion! "Say hello minion." Dovahkiin prompted.

"Hello."

Erik extended his hand and Ronnie took it. Dovahkiin patted them on the back. Now let's get some rooms before nightfall.

xXx

(Later that night)

Erik knocked on Ronnie's door. "Enter" Ronnie called out. Erik stepped in to find him writing a book using a manuscript comprised of a huge pile of notes. Ronnie, what's all of this for?

Ronnie looked up at this point. Just putting this all together, Dovahkiin can recreate things if he has the necessary materials so in this case it's just ink and paper. So by making copies of these books and selling them I can cover the travel expenses that occur. Jeez, despite being so rich a daedric lord looks poor by comparison he is quite the miser. "Well that's done." Ronnie said putting down the book on a second one.

"Mind if I read them?" Erik asked.

Sure have at it.

Eric skimmed through the first book and closed it. Picking up the second book he began muttering the text aloud.

"Let's see here, as the robe fell off, she could feel she could feel his eyes trained on her-"

At this point into the second book his jaw began a slow decline and his eyes opened as wide they could go. He didn't make past page 15 before looking at Ronnie and saying only, "This is going to make your reputation as an author go a lot more interestingly than the other one." and leaving book in hand.

"Huh, wonder what he meant by that, I only wrote it as a joke. Oh well, I'm going to sleep." And sleep he did.

xXx

(The following morning)

He was in fact, still sleeping when Dovahkiin burst into the room yelling "Oh my divines this is, one of the better, books I've ever read in my life!" Ronnie was feeling inventive and responded to his friend's entry with a witty, "I'm still sleeping". But Dovahkiin was not to be deterred. "Wake up!" Ever the beacon of snappy comebacks, Ronnie fended him off with a nigh unbeatable, "Lemme lone". Dovahkiin pulled out all the stops and began poking his sleeping student. This got him up head hung in defeat and early morning drowsiness.

"What is it, and before you tell me know that we will see a negative correlation between the number of good answers you give me and the number of stab wounds I inflict on you." Ronnie stated.

Before continuing, Dovahkiin opted to remind Ronnie who he was threatening with a friendly tap or two, via his fists. Once the pecking order was restored he continued." It's about your books, the first one is mediocre but that isn't a bad thing considering you wrote about a man writing a book about nothing, it's the second one that has potential, when did you think this up?!"

Ronnie picked himself up from the spot that Dovahkiin's love tap had left him strewn about at. "First off I wrote it as a joke. Second off the inspiration came from that copy of the lusty argonian maid I found in your room in Jorrvaskr."

"Why were you in my room?" Dovahkiin demanded.

"You remember how when we meet I jumped you from the rafters?" Ronnie asked. Dovahkiin nodded. "I was considering attacking you when you came into your room." Ronnie explained." I got bored and started to read your book collection."

Satisfied with this answer Dovahkiin continued, "Joke it may be but the only thing impeding it is a lack of experience on your part."

"And how do you propose I get said experience?" Ronnie asked surprised that perverted excuse for a book had gotten Dovahkiin's attention. Dovahkiin's all knowing smile at the question was unnerving.

"Ronnie." Dovahkiin began. "You shall earn it in a tried and true method, Research."

xXx

(The next day)

The three set out back down the way they came having attained a new member to the group. On the road they met a dog sporting a top hat, a monocle and a saber on its back with a belt holding several odd pouches. This would usually be simply abnormal but the dog said "good day sirs" as he passed, catching Ronnie's attention. Dovahkiin simply nodded at the traveler having dealt with talking dogs in the past and Eric showed no concern having dealt with Dovahkiin for years. Ronnie on the other hand Stopped and introduced himself hoping to get him to join.

The dog was less than happy about the idea and Ronnie couldn't get more than no from him. Dovahkiin brought an interesting proposition to their attention.

"How about this, see how much you enjoy using my apprentice as a practice dummy. If you like that, you can go at him whenever, deal?"

The dog pondered this for a moment, smiled in a feral manner and shape shifted to a humanoid form (surprising nobody but Ronnie) drew his saber and attacked. Ronnie brought out his own weapons and blocked a slash with his katana and tried to get a shot in with his other sword but failed miserably as his attacks were brushed aside. Cuts, slashes, pommel bashes, feints, card games on motorcycles all useless against him. In a fit of rage, Ronnie extended sting from his back to catch him off guard but his opponent just jumped up and dodged, kicking Ronnie across the road on the way back down. Ronnie couldn't help but feel angry as well as weak considering after all the crap he had gone through to train since joining the companions wasn't enough to keep him from being totally outclassed by random strangers circumstance saw fit to pit him against.

Changing tactics Ronnie and rushed the shape shifter boldly proclaimed "I lick the asses of dogs with guys like you!" This did not have the desired effect of confusing his opponent, it only pissed him off and got him pimped slapped back across the road. Gritting his teeth Ronnie cursed the new weights and got back into the fight.

xXx

(5 minutes later)

Hund was beginning to enjoy himself. He had had a nice day so far and when an overenthusiastic kid wanted him to join in a group, why naught feign indifference until one of his companions suggested a compromise to sweeten the deal for him? And compromise they did. Hund decided to end it as the human was obviously exhausted. Time for a finishing move

"Monocle angrep!"

xXx

(Inside an illusionary world)

Why is that mountain flying towards me? Ronnie asked none in particular.

He was fairly sure that mountains don't generally chuck themselves at people. By that line of logical thinking (If logic had any place when flying mountains are involved in the situation) then there were about three possibilities behind the current predicament. The first on was that a deity of some kind was pissed off at him for some reason or another. But he hadn't run around blaspheming recently so that was out. The second possibility was that Dovahkiin was pissed off at him and had gone completely overboard, but then again Dovahkiin was more of a subtle smack upside the head type person so that was also out. The third and most likely possibility seemed the most likely, Genjutsu! Ronnie stopped for a moment, were did that spring out from? He didn't even know what a genjutsu was, and why did it feel like someone was going to hit him for being blatantly unoriginal? No illusion was the word he was looking for. The dog was up in his head, messing his mental state up.

Said dogs voice rang out. "Catch."

Ronnie looked up. "Oh yeah, the mountain, I somehow completely forgot about that, I wonder if I'm going to experience having one chucked at me." One earth shattering collision later, Ronnie experienced what it was like to have a mountain chucked at him.

xXx

To the casual observer, Ronnie keeled over spontaneously. But to the trained eye, it looked like he had just got stuck in a nasty illusion. There were three pairs of trained eyes present and their owners were all conscious. So needless to say, no explanations were needed or asked for. Dovahkiin however did initiate conversation. "So is my apprentice getting back up from that or am I responsibility free again?"

"I didn't really put much effort into it. Give him a couple of minutes, he should get back on his feet in a bit." Hund replied.

"Now as much as I would like you to join, I need to see if your good enough to live through rolling with us without me having to be constantly looking after you, Erik, get to it" Erik stepped forward and slowly drew his broadsword from its scabbard on his back while simultaneously drawing the dragon bone sword with his left hand.

"Guard yourself" Erik advised before rushing Hund starting off with a wickedly fast overhand sweep with his broadsword. Hund slashed at the larger sword, batting it away. Erik let out a shout of surprise as he stumbled back while a lone eyebrow rose nigh imperceptibly on Dovahkiin's face.

Hund's feral grin returned "Truly, you have strength to wield a weapon of that size with any measure of speed, let's see how strong you can be when someone makes you really fight."

Erik V.S. Hund

Erik was on the defensive from the get go, but that wouldn't be obvious from the way he was swinging his swords around. Hund pressed the advantage his superior speed and strength provided him mercilessly.

Hund blocked a thrust from Erik by moving his hilt in the way of the thrust while redirecting a swing from the broadsword. While Erik was off balance, Hund closed in, sheathing his saber, and let lose an inhuman flurry of blows into Erik's torso, reducing his armor to and finished with a knee to the head.

Dovahkiin deigned to comment "Wow, right in the face."

"Why the face! Erik Pleaded.

"In yo face!" Hund Shouted.

Hund landed and charged a fire bolt in each hand and Erik threw up a ward. The spells clashed and the fireballs exploded, the ward bleeding the fringe effects away. Erik was knocked back and Hund upped the ante by switching to firebolts, blasting away while. The two kept this up until Hund got behind as well as close to Erik. He leapt up above him kicking the back of his head, poking him in the forehead and hopping away like it was a game.

Erik recovered and delivered backhanded swipe with his broadsword with everything he had behind it. Hund drew his saber and struck the flat of the blade with his pommel directing the blade into the dirt beneath his feet and stomped a foot down on it, plunging it into the dirt. With the momentum his move had given him, Hund spun around and came at Erick with a spin attack he was barely able to block. The moment their swords met, Hund was already in a crouched position.

Leaping up, he delivered an uppercut to Erik's jaw sending him flying. Hund's form blurred as he sped under the beleaguered mercenary in mid-flight, kicking him even farther up. Leaping up after his opponent, the dog drop kicked him in the face stopping his ascent while throwing twine around him.

"In the event that you should wake up from this I forewarn you, you are going to feel every single bit of this when you get up in the morning. Have fun with that!" Hund proclaimed gleefully as he began twirling his foe every which way.

As they descended, the two began spinning faster and faster. When Hund judged that he had enough momentum, he directed his throw at a large outcropping, of solid stone.

"Synkende spiral effekt!" Hund yelled.

With a decent toss he sent Erik on his way to a long recovery. On impact, the sound of boulders splitting apart thundered across the tundra. Hund landed on his hand and back flipped to a standing position, sheathing his saber. Like a Boss.

Fight scene complete

Winner-Hund

"So then, satisfied that I'll not be a burden? Hund queried.

Dovahkiin nodded and walked over to where Ronnie had begun to stir. Picking him up and slinging his students arms on his shoulders, Dovahkiin gave Hund a map with a location scribbled on it.

"Make your way to this place here with Erik when he can travel. You should have no trouble finding the place, when you get to a new fork in the road here." Dovahkiin pointed to the spot on the map. "Go south a look for the hot springs. I'm going to be giving the kid here some real training."

Hund went over to Erik and began treating the injuries incurred in the fight and watched the other half of the group depart.

xXx

Dovahkiin stopped suddenly when he felt the presence, he sensed madness, power and removing any doubt as to who it was approaching, cheese. The only thing he had ever felt any sort of fear towards was a daedric lord, a specific daedric lord. He had entered Tamriel in his true form! A feat that only Mehrunes Dagon had ever accomplished, in terms of deadric lords. Sheogorath was coming.

Ronnie noticed that they had stopped. "Why are you just standi-"

"Secret leaf finger jutsu: One thousand years of death!"

Dovahkiin felt the weight of his apprentice leave his back before he saw him fly through the air yelling and clutching his ass.

Dovahkiin quickly entered the fish stick before slowly turned and faced the madman himself, only to be completely ignored.

"Leeroy! I can sense your presence! Come on now, hiding is hardly sporting."

Having no idea what was going on, Ronnie made a conscious decision of fudge it. "I'ma call you, Sean Connery!

In the back of Ronnie's soul/mind/being (?) Leeroy put a desperate plan in action.

"**Kid, do not let him know I'm in here**! Leeroy yelled inside of his head.

"Ass monkeys! Now what's going on with my head?" The situation began to deteriorate.

"So, camping out in someone's mind are we? Let's have a look see!"

Evidently Sheogorath was paying attention.

"**Dammit**!"

"Hush Sean Connery, the voice speaks to me,"

"**Do not make eye contact**!"

Ronnie looked Sheogorath right in his crazy Daedric eyeballs.

"Quickly Sean Connery! We must oust this thing from my head!"

Leeroy used the fish stick state of mind in a last ditch effort but all for not as Sheogorath entered their mindscape.

xXx

(Ronnie's mindscape)

"**Whale piss, I didn't think you even remembered I existed**."

The insane Daedra held his hand out. "The key to the cheese cellar Leeroy, I know you have it, you're the only one ballsy enough to steal from very much like it back and taking the thing by force would be boring as you are now!"

Ronnie ill choose his time to intervene. "Um, what's going on, and why are we in a blank expanse of nothing?"

"Shut up and go to the corner!"

"Yes sir."

Leeroy sighed "**The key is still in your pocket, it's been there half a century**."

"Touché Leeroy, but if you'll excuse me, I have much to do. CHEESE FOR EVERYONE! And I mean it this time."

With that Sheogorath departed.

"**Hey kid, you can get of the corner now**."

Ronnie walked over and stopped in front of Leeroy who was casually smoking a pipe he pulled from either his ass or jack shit nowhere.

The two of them looked at each other for a little before Leeroy put his pipe away. "**Let me guess, who are you, where are we and what's going on. Those seem to be the usual generic crap I get in situations like this**."

"Actually I could care less and would rather respect your privacy. What I would like to ask is if I could have a drag on that pipe."

Leeroy's eyebrow rose as he put his hand to his chin in a thought full manner. "**No, no you can't**." Ronnie face faulted. "**Well, I might as well get a bit of exposition in as this is on a need to know basis and you need to know."**

"Andwhatisit Ineedtoknow?"

"**Some things, not everything, but enough for a basic understanding. To start off, the names Leeroy. To put it in basic terminology, I inhabit your mind and being for purposes your better unaware of. I've been busy in here tinkering with your body to try and keep you alive longer. Your sting for instance, nice bit of work that. I'll tell you when I finish anything else. Any questions?"**

"Yeah, did you stick the ideas for my novel into my subconscious or was that all me?"

Leeroy took Ronnie's hand and began shaking it vigorously. **"That was all you, you beautiful, beautiful pervert, I salute you! As for the book about nothing, if that sells a shatload of copies, that doesn't mean that you're talented, it just means that there are a shatload of stupid people that come across your book."**

"Um, I'm actually not a pervert, and is there anyone else in here and why does it look like this? And why do you look like me?"

"**No just me, it would be a bit difficult to retain individuality with a lot of anyone else in here**. **To be frank**,** I like being me. The alternative is being you. Screw that noise. Besides, I keep my friends close-"**

"**And your enemies closer?" Ronnie chimed in.**

**No, why would I do that? If they were close the odds of them killing me would increase slightly. As for the aesthetics, it reflects your mental state and as your memories seems to be either misplaced or beyond your reach, the place is blank other than you and me. This will probably change as you get more life experience with the passing of time or when you get it together enough to control what it looks like in here. Then again my mind crush didn't help things. And as for me looking like you, let me check.**"

A mirror materialized in front of Leeroy who peered at the reflection. He looked like Ronnie with sheet white skin and no pupils with pure silver hair. "**I guess I must be taking on a similar form to my host, I wouldn't bother reading too much into it."**

"I just had a brainstorm!" Ronnie announced.

"**I wasn't aware storms could occur in a vacuum."** Leeroy countered

"Just going to ignore that entirely, by mind crush are you talking about that flashy thing? I aint playing with you Leeroy, how many times have you flashy thinged me"

"**Enjoy your new decals." **

"Wait wh-"

"**Rubber band of Doom!" **Leeroy takes out a rubber band and blasts his host in the face.

xXx

Upon being thrown out of his own head, Ronnie looked over at a peculiar sight. Dovahkiin looked like he was about to die laughing. Leeroy seemed to be in on the joke as he was laughing as well.

"**Look at your forehead and armor**!"

Further inspection revealed several stickers labeled, spooned.

"I would damn him to oblivion but he already lives there. Ima keep these though."

"No you are not." Dovahkiin stated, ripping off the stickers.

The forward group half continued on its way, traversing the vast expanse of land between the city of Whiterun and the borders of the hold.

As they struck camp for the night before continuing, Ronnie struck up conversation to learn a bit. "Hey Dovahkiin, what kind of training are we going to be doing when we get to wherever were going?"

Dovahkiin looked over and shrugged. "I don't actually know yet we haven't started. I for one am happy that you're literate. Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

"**That depends, does the scenario in which you assist your uncle happen in San Diego**?"

"I can't help but feel that were both missing some context here." Dovahkiin answered. "Well then, were headed for my base of operations in Skyrim. It's a nice place I've got set up. Let's see, there's a series of hot springs, a fort, let me tell you having a standing military force is useful, a farm, my house, a dojo, and a small village. I need sleep, goodnight."

The pair made their way to a volcanic tundra and progressed through it until they came across the location Dovahkiin had described.

Ronnie had to dodge a blast of steam for the umpteenth time pissing him off. "Who builds a road in the middle of a forsaken wasteland like this? A complete and indisputable idiot that's who!"

Before the rant could be finished, Dovahkiin punted the angry Rookie at a building labeled 素晴らしいの叙事詩道場. Ronnie looked up at the sign and couldn't make heads or tails of it. "**Epic dojo of awesome. That sounds promising**."

"You can read this?" Ronnie asked.

"**You say that like I didn't just show proficiency in the language**. **Little update for ya kid, if you want to return to your mindscape, just knock yourself out or get in a near death state, I would advise that you stick to the first one. Oh yeah, I finished a new modification on your body that can let me take control in case of an emergency but if your conscious I need permission. I miss having a body. The shenanigans I would get into, I could tell you some funny stories but it looks like your about to start training.**" By then Dovahkiin had walked the distance from the spot he had kicked his student. He opened the sliding door and repeated the action smashing him into the wall. "What in the name of dancing ducks are these fragging walls made of?! Ronnie yelled.

"**ZUKOF**!" Leeroy shouted.

Dovahkiin ignored their banter. "I just figured out what the first lesson shall be! The art of evasion lesson one: avoiding attacks. There are five basic points to this lesson! Dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge! However, before we begin you have to start calling me either boss, big boss, master, teacher or sensei. Take your pick."

Ronnie attempted to pick himself off of the floor. "You got it teacher." A rock made a dull thunk as it bounced off of his head. "Ow. I take it were starting the lesson now?" Another rock narrowly missing his head as he dodged answered his question.

"Dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge!" Dovahkiin threw a rock to punctuate every word. Ronnie Failed on all counts except duck.

Every rock found the same target. "My ball sack!"

"Again." Five more rocks four more hits. This went on until Ronnie could avoid two or three rocks every salvo. As he lay bruised and winded, Ronnie took the time to take his swords off his belt as he also wondered where the older man was getting all of these rocks. "Well then, I think we should start working on your hand to hand combat skills. Remember what I did to you back at Jorrvaskr? Let's do it again."

"Aw phooey." The two began to spar but this time Dovahkiin bothered to block for fun. Imagine having an atom trying to spar with kung Fu action Jesus and you have a basic idea what happened in the dojo for the rest of the time the poor ant retained conciseness.

xXx

Mindscape

"**Man you just suck. There is no manner of describing or measuring how much you suck**." Leeroy stated flatly.

"Why don't you just go eat a bag of dicks? He is a totally unstoppable juggernaut of power awesome and win, what did you expect to happen?" Ronnie shot back.

"**A spar. All I saw was you and your constant stench of piss and fail." **As Ronnie began advancing on him hands raised in a chocking manner Leeroy put his hands up.

"**I'm just joking around kid, jeez you are way too easy to mess with**."

Ronnie face palmed before looking up. "Blast it all Leeroy, this is not the time to, huh?" Leeroy was gone from sight. There was nothing there but a cardboard box with rather conspicuous eyeholes. "Fudge it. Screw you guys I'm waking up."

xXx

Ronnie woke up in the dojo he had blacked out in. The peace and quiet was a pleasant change but it felt like a card tower, short lived and fragile. And why did it sound like someone was falling at terminal velocity? "**I sense a disturbance in the force**."

"Good morning, punching bag!" Dovahkiin descended from the sky feet first, entering threw a window colliding with his unsuspecting apprentice. "We have important business to discuss rookie. I need to find someone but I have to take care of a rather large problem on summerset isle. Take this it should show you the way." Dovahkiin handed over a golden orb to Ronnie. Upon holding it Ronnie felt a sensation compelling him to head west. "When you meet the person this id directing you towards, you'll know."

"What do I do when I find who you're looking for?" Ronnie asked.

"That will be taken care of by someone else. Now I've found you a travelling companion!"

"Really who?"

"Timing!" Dovahkiin started cracking up as his pupil chased the maniacal ghost around the dojo until he retreated into a soul gem.

"My sweaty shoe knives, that's hilarious to watch. You are all kinds of excitable aren't you?" Tossing the soul gem to his apprentice the wily old guy pulled another surprise from jack fucking Stan nowhere in the form of a large tome. "This rookie, is a book on the three branches of destruction magic. While it won't teach you any actual spells it will allow you the knowledge to create your own or learn pre-existing ones. Your new side project as of now is to create your own spell from scratch. Failure to do so before we meet again will result in me strapping you to a sign proclaiming the inconsequentiality of the Thalmor and drop kicking you inside of their embassy."

"I would proclaim my hatred of you old man." Dovahkiin drew his sword out two inches. "I mean teacher. But the end result of this crap is so going to be worth it. I can't help but wonder how many students you've had before me, you seem to know what you're doing."

Dovahkiin started to laugh. "I've had enough pupils to do whatever I want wherever I want whoever I want for any reason want. Granted I can do that anyway without assistance."

"Just how long have you been doing this then?" Ronnie pressed.

"Long enough." Dovahkiin finished.

"Care to be more specific?"

Dovahkiin just closed his eyes and sighed. "You remind me a tiny bit of a student I once had. You're the first person who decided to call me teacher since him."

Flashback start

Tiber Septim lay on his deathbed and he knew it. Age caught up with everyone at some point, even if it couldn't end someone it would get at their mind. That didn't stop him from being a boss all up in Tamriel and riding the last waves of his life out like a pimping mofo. Especially with his teacher, advisor and best friend at his side, riding it right there with him. "What's the matter teacher? You look like you took a blow to the old man makers. Did the females amongst my staff catch you peeping again?"

Dovahkiin cracked a grin. "Nice to see you still got a pair of your own. Talos, you aren't the first other Dragonborn I've trained, but you are the most powerful and potential reaching one bar none. The only way up from where you're at is the divines themselves."

The founder of the empire began stroking his beard in a thoughtful plotting manner as he traded a serious look with his teacher. "There is no way this is going to work/fail." Tiber Septim and Dovahkiin told each other respectively. They both started laughing.

That's the opposite tune of what you were singing when we met at High Hrothgar, isn't it? I remember how you shoved Paarthurnax off of the mountainside when he tricked you into teaching me. That was an incredible defining moment between you and me in my opinion."

"Philosophical as always I see. Any last requests before you leave us my friend?" Dovahkiin asked of the dying monarch.

Tiber Septim looked Him straight in the eye. "Let this empire live or die on its own if you can."

"You're going to have to be more specific." Dovahkiin replied.

"Stay away from and off the throne teacher. I want this place I have created to go on for as long as it can on its own potential." The old Nord elaborated.

"Sure thing. I never wanted it any way so I can promise you that I won't steal your chair. Say hello to Ysgramor for me. Don't worry, I know of a little, shall we say 'back door' into Sovngarde. I can visit you but I won't be able to for some time. Hey if the empire is ever threatened by a threat of Deadric nature would that be a loophole?"

"Yes, yes it would. 'Coughs' Dovahkiin, never change." With that, the conquer of Tamriel and founder of the Empire passed away.

Flashback end

Ronnie looked at the wayward expression of his teacher curiously. "What was this student of yours like?"

Dovahkiin got out of his trance like state. "He was incredibly ambitious. But he was more than able to carry out all of his goals and dreams. I have to go now. Be good, and no research near the women's bathing area without me. Good luck finding the mark that I set for you, Toodles."

The cry of 'I'm not a pervert Dammit' went unheeded as they parted way. Dovahkiin wished he had more time to train his newest student before sending him off on his own but if he didn't go bust some Thalmor heads together they might try and start another Great war, one that no side would survive. He still couldn't shake the feeling that the first one could be considered his fault. He was on Summerset isle during the Oblivion crisis and had led the High Elven counter offensive against the Deadric forces, something they liked to conveniently forget in the history books. He would never forget the joy he had felt at the nostalgia from battles of years long past. It was the first major conflict he had taken part of in centuries, he most certainly was not about to pass that one up. Once Mehrunes Dagon had been dealt with he had left for Atmora and by the time he had returned some racist pricks calling themselves the Thalmor had almost plunged Tamreil into an age of darkness it may never have recovered from.

He missed the original Aldmeri dominion. They had principles and morals. These imitators were just power hungry supremacists. And what had happened with the Blades and their membership standards? They should have been able to use the unrecognizable corpses of the Thalmor for manure. It had taken him months to get them back to a respectable level of power and influence. The lack of Dragonborn Emperors leaving him in charge of them was a kickass perk, he had made Sky haven temple the official headquarters. And if Ronnie managed to find what he was looking for then he might just be ending up paying it a visit. Dovahkiin cracked a smile, it was going to be interesting around the province.

"Hand over everything that you-" Whatever the unfortunate bandit was going to say was lost as his target absentmindedly incinerated him in a massive inferno still walking along on his coast bound way. All the while deep in his musings.

During this time our favorite (?) protagonist was having a moral debate with some interesting advisors on his metaphorical shoulders. "**Do it**"

"For the last time no!" These two just wouldn't get off his ass about this. He had found who the orb was directing him to, inside of the Dragonsreach dungeon. She was a young Nord woman, imprisoned for charges of thievery. After looking into the matter Ronnie had found the real culprit but was going to have to do some stealing of his own to pin the crime on him. His 'friends' were showing their lack of faith in him by trying to convince him to break her out instead. "Do it"

"Shut the hell up Nappa!" The ghost was in his head now to. He should have never let Leeroy use that weird spell on the soul gem, now he was stuck with both of them.

"Give me a second, 'click' Ha ha! The door is no match for my sting. This thing is surprisingly useful for locks." Ronnie entered the room of the inn the thief inhabited and grabbed the incriminating items before using the rafters to exit the building unnoticed. Unfortunately the criminal returned to his room shortly after and had pieced together the intent of the snoop who had raided his ill-gotten gains. He raced out of the inn and almost made it to the Jarl's palace before his fleet footed foe did. He did however arrive in time to run into the guards dispatched in order to apprehend him.

xXx

Solatsii ice queen a wandering shield maiden sat in her cell when the door opened. She looked up to find the man who had framed her tossed bodily in and a guard next to some imperial. Milk drinker by the look of him. The guard spoke up. "You can thank this companion here for catching this thief, you're free to go." She couldn't believe what she had heard, this kid was a member of the companions? And what was he doing going out of his way for a random stranger? She quickly stopped caring and left, shoving past the youth before he could say anything to her. After getting her equipment and belongings back the now free warrior set out for Falkreath. She stopped in Riverwood for supplies and ran into her unwanted benefactor again.

"What do you want?" The somewhat annoyed woman questioned.

"I have no idea." Ronnie replied. "**I do.**" Solatsii jumped at the voice in her head. "Who said that?" She demanded.

"It's the narrator."

Ronnie face palmed at his newest tenant's comment on the situation. "I swear Nappa, one of these days you're going to die, and then you'll be out of my head forever."

"**Perhaps I could be of assistance. Nappa quick, distract the kid while I unload the exposition and cryptic explanations**!" Ronnie had to divert his full attention to quelling Nappa and was unable to listen in while Leeroy began the task Dovahkiin had given him.

xXx

Mindscape

A conflict of monumental proportions was taking place between two not so equally matched opponents.

"Checkmate." Nappa proclaimed as he put his queen don racking up the fifth win he had gained in a row. Leeroy entered the scene of his host beating his head against a chess set while his cool new roommate laughed at him.

"**Is this a good time to make an entrance or what**?

"Fuck you with every brick in Whiterun!"

The bemused entity just proceeded to count. "**5, 4, 3**-"

A small vein appeared on Ronnie's forehead. "Stop ignoring me!"

"**2, 1, bye**."

Ronnie disappeared from the mindscape. Leeroy set the chess board up. "**Your move**."

xXx

Being dragged was not a pleasant experience. Yet here he was, being dragged across the road. "Why are you dragging me and would it really have been that much trouble to wait?"

"Yes it would have!" Solatsii yelled hitting him over the head. "Your friend made a very large set of interesting points that have convinced me to bring you along with me, so hurry up and get walking." She grabbed him by the armor and shook him. "Or you are very much screwed." She threatened.

"**Quick, ask her if that's an offer**!" Leeroy prompted. Ronnie had to resist the urge to face palm and just kept walking.

By the time they had gotten to the top of a small mountain Ronnie gave into his curiosity. "So, where are we going?"

Solatsii simply ignored him. "**You'll find out just as soon as she does. Bwah ha ha, bwah ha ha ha ha**! **Now if you don't mind I'm going back to staring at her chest**." This did nothing to dilute his curiosity and made him rather nervous. That's when shit really went down. "**Do you get back problems from that melon rack or does the armor make that posture easy**? Seriously those must be mid D size at least."

Ronnie froze when he realized that Leeroy had said this directly to Solatsii as she turned to face him, visibly livid. "Aw double phooey." Were the only words he got out before she began beating him in the place of his now laughing tenant. "Why does this hurt so much through solid steel?!"

xXx

Dovahkiin's Skyrim base, Hot springs

"Eric, this Dovahkiin guy is alright by me. Anyone who could be responsible for a business like this is a truly manly man amongst men!"

"I guess." Eric replied noncommittally. The two had become fast friends after the fight and were currently waiting for the other half of the group to show up. Not that they were complaining. The facilities at the hot springs included mixed bathing. Hund had his arms resting on the shoulders of an Imperial and Redgaurd woman respectively. Eric was bereft of such pleasant company.

Hund got a shot in at the lonesome merc. "You sir, are jealous of the pimping powers of my hat!"

Eric suddenly perceived a terrible occurrence was befalling a friend and looked at his friend with a serious expression. "I sense a disturbance."

"I sense it to. Not that it's anything important, odds are it doesn't concern us." Hund reassured him.

"Yeah, why do you wear the hat and monocle when you bathe?" Eric couldn't help himself, he had to know!

"For the pimping factor of course. That should be obvious on its very own!" Hund answered simply.

"What would you say about your pimping level?"

"I'll put it lightly. It's-"

xXx

Bleak Falls Barrow

"Over 9000!" Nappa yelled amidst Ronnie's head.

"What, 9000?" He knew he was missing some context on what Nappa was yelling about.

"**Here we are." **Leeroy interrupted.** "Now go through the inside and find the big wall of rock with nonsensical words on it**. **On a lesser note, if you find a number of Thalmor while you're here, kill them if they refuse you entry**." The group had reached a large Nordic burial site. True to Leeroy's words, the entrance had a pair of soldiers in elven armor standing guard along with a dozen Imperial legionnaires milling about.

"This is a restricted area. If you are here for archeology related purposes or visiting an ancestral tomb, you'll have to accept an escort. If you are looking for treasure leave now or be removed."

Solatsii started to reason with them. "I'm here to visit the tomb of an ancestor. Why would we need an escort?"

The guard gave her a smirk of disdain. "That is none of your concern. Now move along. Legate, if you would go with these two." An old legionnaire stepped forward as they opened the door.

The pair turned trio spelunked through the ruin, passing Thalmor research teams until they reached a Breton struggling with a rock. "Ah, Legate. Could you assist me with this?"  
The legionnaire looked at Solatsii. "I trust you can find your ancestor's resting place and leave on your own from here."

"Yes sir." She replied. "Hurry up weakling." A proverbial raincloud settled over Ronnie from the blatant disrespect as they pressed onward. Upon reaching a large cavern at the end of the barrow, Solatsii climbed up the steps to the tomb sitting next to a large wall covered in ancient Nordic writings. Her oldest known ancestor lay resting inside of it. A member of the dragon cult, he had died defending a wounded dragon from a Dragonborn of old, taking his foe with him. Yet something more was here for her, power. The wall. Facing it, she realized it was emitting some magic that flowed into her. She failed to take note of Ronnie's abrupt absence.

"Excellent." Solatsii turned to see upwards of twenty Thalmor gathered at the base of the structure she stood on. The leader smiled evilly as he stood behind his men "Your coming with us. The Aldmeri Dominion has been looking for a power to take on that damn Dovahkiin since he resurfaced just after the Great War. And you woman, are it. Once he is dead, nothing shall stop us from ruling all!"

"So, you're trying to take over the world."

Every Thalmor agent in the place turned dramatically to face the other adventurer and shouted in unison. "Of course!" When he realized that there was only one man to be had the leader motioned towards Solatsii. "Seize her. I think this amateur should be fun for some slow tour-."

He never got the chance to finish the sentence as he tried to dodge a sneak attack during his monologueing. He failed to avoid the cleaving stroke from a katana completely and lost his left hand. Roaring in outrage and pain the pissed off egomaniac drew his sword. The two dueled until Ronnie unsheathed his other weapon throwing it into the older man's shoulder causing him to drop his guard stumbling backwards to … die pathetically as Solatsii drove her sword into his head from behind. "How did you finish already!? And why did you interrupt? I was about to have my fight with someone who could kill me. You know I would wish for a big fight for myself like that but I try to be very careful about what I wish for. Let's go before anyone else shows up." They stepped over a pile of corpses and left via a passage to the other side of the mountain. Leeroy had paid strict attention to Solatsii during the fight and was damn impressed at the way she butchered them all in seconds.

"**Kid, you seem to have a knack for attracting trouble and powerful people. I can't wait for you to piss one off and get that fight you were wishing for**. **Now, where were we supposed to go next? Right, Shearpoint." Leeroy mused. "Hey sexy, you know where Shearpoint is? We're going there next.**"

"Leeroy why do you do these things to me? What did I do to you huh?" At this point Solatsii was on within beat down range. "What am I, comic relief?"

xXx

Whitewatch Tower, Nighttime

Once the duo had reached a small watch post they set up camp. Ronnie spent the time trying to perfect his control over basic spell craft. 'BOOM' "**How many times do you have to put too much magika into these things before you get the ratio down? What do I care, watching those spells blow up in your face is just packed full of schadenfreude for me**."

Solatsii walked over to investigate the source of continuous explosions to find her meat shield well into his first successful flame spell. "Yes!" Ronnie proclaimed with joy.

"**You still have to make your own spell.**" Leeroy reminded him. "DAMMIT!" "**I love tearing down your self-esteem at every possible chance**."

Solatsii frowned at the display of magic. "I didn't think you could be any more of a svekling but you managed it."

"Hey Leeroy, what does svekling mean and is it a bad nickname?

"**It means weakling**."

Solatsii began walking away in disgust. "Magic users."

Leeroy took the time to address the offender directly. "**Your generation has forgotten the respect your ancestors held for this clever craft**."

Solatsii walked off, angry at being lectured by a voice in her head. Ronnie went back to getting his spells down. 'BOOM' "How did that even explode? That was a frostbite spell!" Saxophones started play in his head. "Nappa would you please cut it out with the music in there?"

"**Ronnie**."

Ronnie sat up "Yeah Leeroy?"

"**Name your swords**."

"Name them, is it important?" Ronnie asked.

"**It is a terrible thing, not having a name. Can you imagine what it would feel like to exist without one, no identity, nothing**."

Ronnie drew the Katana first. "A name for a sword. As of now this blade is called Shinraiken." The weapon of sky forge steel came next. "And you are now named Gamleblad."

xXx

Shearpoint

"Svekling, tell me what we're doing." Solatsii ordered her companion.

"Good question." Ronnie replied. "Nappa, the f*** are we doing?"

"Good question. Leeroy, the f*** are we doing?"

"**Well find someone to train busty here to use here shouts. Funnily enough, you've met him if it's who Dovahkiin said he'd be." **Leeroy explained.

Ronnie had to run the rest of the way up the mountain to avoid being beaten by Solatsii for Leeroy's lecherous comment. When they reached the top, they found a word wall just like the one inside of Bleak falls barrow. The only difference being a dragon sleeping on top of it. "YOU!" Odahviing popped open an eye to see a familiar face. Ronnie cracked his knuckles. "I'm going to enjoy this." The dragon bitch slapped him into a snow drift on the other side of the ruins with a wing. He then regarded Solatsii. "It has been some time since a fellow Dovah has appeared in mortal form. Dragonborn are few and far between in this age. Come I shall show you the use of your Thu'um." As he breathed onto the snow, words appeared on it, unleashing power Solatsii instinctively absorbed. "Now, shout!"

Ronnie had gotten out of the snow drift and into the area. "I am going to kick your tuchus 117 ways from Sunday."

Solatsii turned towards the angry rookie and tested her newfound ability. "Fus Ro Dah!" Propelled by the shout Ronnie went flying of the mountainside yelling obscenities.

"May a drunken giant fuck every orifice you've got and make new ones with a club till there's nothing left but blood and sperm you damn overgrown reptile!" The rest of the rant was obscured by the wind.

Odahviing did the closest equivalent to smiling. "Perhaps aim should be a goal."

Solatsii sighed at the slapstick turn of events. "He deserved it."

xXx

Giant camp

"Why in the illustrious name of Mara's fuzzy furry puce vagina hair trimmers am I still alive after landing?"

"**Welcome to the Skyrim space program. Launch pad is set and we are cleared for testing."**

"Wait what? Is that thing really about to-?

"**Yup, with the club**"

"Oh fuck all species and specimens of duck."

"**FORE**!"

For the second time that day, Ronnie was propelled into the sky. Let's check in on a more respectable character, shall we?

xXx

Classified Aldmeri Dominion marshaling grounds (or at least what remains)

Dovahkiin tried to find the corpse of that spell caster who had used an interesting trick which nullified his shouts. It actually would have been a really bad situation if he relied on them like most dragonborn tend to. However that simply wasn't his style. Though they did seem prepared for him all things considered. And in his humble opinion, the explosion with the mile radius was a great try. And the admittedly, he almost couldn't bypass the clowns, or was it clouds? Either way who would have thought to insert any amount of either into a ditch? Sheer brilliance in terms of the unorthodox. But there was the fact that this Thu'um nullifying spell would undoubtedly cause his apprentice's new teammate some problems if whoever it was relied on shouting.

The ancient warrior Grinned. The feeling was back. Ronnie just got into trouble. "Kid, you're going to have a litmus fight soon. I can feel it."

He pulled out a map and studied it for a moment. "Back to the bloody work at hand."

xXx

Castle Volkihar

On the shores of the island on which Castle Volkihar stood, a battered, waterlogged mess of a being washed up. It rose up like a zombie shambling towards the keep. "**Well well, looks as if I get a turn in control**."

xXx

Inside the castle

The grand hall was filled to the brim with nearly every vampiric inhabitant the castle possessed. An ambassador from the Thalmor had the floor so to speak. He was in the middle of finishing his message to the Volkihar clan. "With the Dominions help, you can free yourself, Lord Harkon from Dovahkiin's spell binding your power and restricting you to the castle."

The old vampire considered the high elf's offer, to be free once more, able to pursue his dream to kill the sun, the Thalmor could give him that opportunity. But this course of action would inevitably lead to a confrontation with one of the few beings in existence older than he was. "I-"

The doors of the castle slammed open. A figure strode in with two swords on its belt, his eyes had neither irises nor anything more than a glowing red haze. Half of his face was whiter than a cloud, the other as black as Mr. Popo the darkest void. His hair was silver. It smiled. "**Am I interrupting something**?"

The ambassador looked at the newcomer in disgust. "Be gone creature. What the fuck are you supposed to be?" He demanded. Bad idea.

"**What am I? A monster that walks both the night and the day. A creature whose origins defy your comprehension. I've been known by more titles than you could imagine. I used to be rather partial to being referred to as The Crimson Fucker until I gave it the title to a friend but that's beside the point. For now, you can all call me Leeroy. Except for you, I feel like murdering you in a manner that defies description**."

This earned a scoff from the none too bright Elf. "You've signed your own death warrant." 'Squelch' He let out a scream as his genitals were ripped from his body. (Warning, the following is censored for the sake of me not being banned should an administrator should happen to look in at this.)

Leeroy began to - the man with his own - and -s nonstop save for when he grew bored of that and repeated the process with his arms as well which soon repeated with the legs culminating with - - his - - as the organ traversed the fresh gaping hole in the - - - - - in an unnecessarily happy motion he started to drink the fluids out of - - - -. "**Did ya see that one lad? His pancreas came right out his tear duct**!" Nappa was a sayin, and thus he was not easily impressed with violence by any standards, yet even he had to applaud the gruesome manner his roommate had straight up murdered his victim.

"**I think I'll kill the rest of you.**" Before he could proceed with the threat, Leeroy began to convulse, unable to stop his host from regaining control. "**Fine, have your body back**!"

Ronnie's features returned to normal as he regained conciseness. "I feel like a puppy that's been raped by a bulldozer. Now, where am I?" The confused man looked at the corpse and then at the blood he was soaked in and noticed the taste in his mouth. "Could someone please tell me what just happened?"

Everyone in the Grand hall with a weapon drew it and advanced on him. Luckily only five vampires fitted said description but the others were scrambling for armaments. The first one to reach him thrust at him with a dagger forcing the outnumbered swordsman to bend backwards at an insane angle retaliating with a backflip kicking his assailant in the chest throwing them both away from one another. The maneuver gave Ronnie enough breathing room to draw Gamleblad from its sheath brandishing it at the remaining four. Getting in close to the nearest one, parrying blows till he spotted an opening and let loose a haymaker to his stomach following up with a pommel bash to the head. Of the three remaining, two rushed him, the first blocking Ronnie's overhead strike and the second being shoved into his counterpart as the wily fighter jumped over a chair and kicked it into them. The fifth turn and ran, right into rank with a large group reinforcing the attempt to kill the intruder.

"Run away!" The skirmish had put him right next to the main entrance. Pursued by the mob of angry vampires, Ronnie booked it out of the castle closing the doors on the way out. Taking a coil of rope out of his pack, he tied it in the large door handles stalling his pursuers. When the shore came in sight all there was consisted of a small dingy. He commandeered the vessel and set sail.

Note: Ghost Nappa! I finally wrote a decent chapter! All of Hund's abilities are in Norwegian for those of you who fell too lazy to look into it. And so what if I went overboard with cheese related Sheogorath jokes? I don't plan on putting him in any other scenes and I felt like getting it all out at once. For those of you who know what the fish stick is, good for you. P.S. When the text looks like the following, it means Leeroy is talking. **Aforementioned example. **Yeah, two dragonborns, I went there. Whatcha gunna do about it?This took way too long to write.


End file.
